Hindsight is 20/20

Friday, December 9th, was my last day at work. Oddly, losing my job and no longer having income coming in isn’t the toughest challenge I have to deal with at the moment, but what’s been stressing me out more are the continual questions my mind keeps asking me, “Did you make the right decision? Did you try hard enough? Although Management was authoritarian, could I have worked harder to try and change them? Or were my cultural biases getting in my way?” HOLY GIRAFFE, I DON’T KNOW!!!

At the same time, these questions were asked in one of my classes:

• Think of a time when your attempts at leadership were not successful.
• Why were you not successful?
• What skill(s) should you develop to be more successful, as a leader, in a similar situation in the future?

Tough questions for me to address, but after a few days of thinking about them, here's what I got – I don’t think that my attempts at leadership were not successful because of my peers’ responses and how receptive they were of my behaviors, but what I can admit I was not successful at was giving Management the benefit of the doubt that they would eventually change. When my direct supervisor (not part of Management – three Owners of the company) confronted me on Friday about my behaviors in the last two weeks, he noticed that something was wrong and he wanted to know how he could help me. I simply told him that I don’t belong in this organization given what I have seen in the eight months that I have been there. I gave him specific examples of what I had been subjected to by Management. After my direct supervisor heard me out, he looked me straight in the eye and merely said, “You’re right – you don’t belong here and you shouldn’t have to since I see how upset you are right now. Do you think you’d like to make an exit today or in a couple of weeks?” For some reason unbeknownst to me, my mouth automatically/instantly said, “Today." I’m still struggling with my decision and it’s Wednesday today. It feels great to know that I don’t have to wake up tomorrow to go to a job I can’t stand, but due to my upbringing, I doubt I will stop feeling the guilt.

Another good example of this hindsight is 20/20 is when I left a career in 2009 that was my highest paying job to date. After joining the MAOM program, now I know that I might have made an irrational move in 2009 because I didn’t have the skills/tools to deal with the managerial challenges I faced then. However, if I never left my career in 2009, I would not have attended Antioch and learned all that I know now and I feel that would have been a bigger loss to me.

“Life is tough, but it's tougher when you're stupid.” ~John Wayne

Remember by Christina Georgina Rossetti

REMEMBER me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go, yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you planned:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.

It all came back to me...

Last night I was at the Hollywood Bowl with my girl friend, Maria.


We went to see Sarah McLachlan with the Hollywood Bowl Orchestra and it was AMAZING. I know people judge and think, "Sarah McLachlan, really?" Well, FUCK YOU!

Sarah holds a special place in my heart. My sister, Marie, and I were 16 years apart so we didn't have a lot in common. When Marie was a teenager, I was just a baby. When I was 21, she passed away at the age of 36. The one of the few things that we shared a liking for was Sarah's music.

It's been a good 10 years now since I lost my sister. Although there isn't a moment when I don't think of her, the pain of losing her is more manageable nowadays. However, what I didn't expect was to be overwhelmed with tears when Sarah sang this song last night...



With the live acoustics and Sarah's angelic voice, I was unexplicably moved. I was reminded of how much I loved Marie and how much I miss her. Just wanted to let my sis know that I felt her last night. Our love never dies.

"I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose,
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose,
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night,
Gave me everything you had, oh you gave me life."

XOXO.

My Personal Mission Statement

• I want to live a genuine life. I want to remain true to my heart no matter what or who comes into my life. I want to live my life the way I want to and not change to appease someone else. I am stronger than I think and my past has proven that. Do not surrender your real self.

• I want to make a difference. I want to be a role model. I want to live my life where it inspires others to be better people.

• From time to time, I want to do something adventurous to remind me that life is too short and to just have fun! So far I have done things such as whitewater rafting, zip lining, tobogganing, riding my own motorcycle, Manta Ray Night Snorkel and driven ATVs. I want to continue to do things to make me fear death a little less.

• I love to travel. My ultimate desire is to visit every continent so I can gain global insight from gathering stories and studying cultural history. Traveling has given me the opportunity to look outside the materialistic life and realize that there is more out there.

• I want to stop sweating the small stuff. I get so consumed with the stresses in life that I forget the bigger picture. I want to be able to not instinctively get mad when I am wronged and put it into perspective.

• Do not take life so seriously. I delight in making people laugh. My morbid sense of humor is an acquired taste so if someone “gets” it and sticks around, then he/she is my friend for life.

• I will not be bullied. I will stand by my principles and not let them falter. I have learned that I consistently go back to my core values after I have been tested. I will stay strong.

Useful Information

From Make Every Man Want You (PLEASE don't let the title turn you off b/c it initially did for me) by Marie Forleo:

"When you live each day with enthusiasm – as though now is all you’ve got – a funny thing happens. You start to feel happy, satisfied, secure and fulfilled, pretty much all the time. Rather than just going through the motions and secretly waiting for things to get better once you meet Mr. Right, you start living your life with intensity and, in doing so, awaken that irresistible fox inside you who’s been dying to run the show. When you put 100% in your life, happiness, satisfaction, and irresistibility are natural by-products."

The above statement verbalizes how my life changed and I met my special someone (and I don't mean he's my "happily ever after;" he's just that - someone special). I hated it when people would tell me, "Just don't think about it" - not having a man, having a man, wanting to get married, meeting my soul mate. How could I not think about it when society (and my mother) continually looked down on older single women? I was surrounded by the "oh, that's a shame" (that I didn't have someone at 30), like I had plague. However, when I truly and genuinely started focusing on MY LIFE and having as much fun as I could as a single woman - I went to Costa Rica and Hawaii, I got a motorcycle, I went whitewater rafting, I went zip lining, I attended graduate school (after a seven-year educational hiatus), etc., my life changed. I am thankful for the self-realization and for Marie Forleo for putting it into words. I feel so much stronger now than I have ever felt in my life. =o)

To Realize

To realize
The value of a sister/brother
Ask someone
Who doesn't have one.

To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask a newly
Divorced couple.

To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.

To realize
The value of one year:
Ask a student who
Has failed a final exam.

To realize
The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.

To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a mother
Who has given birth to
A premature baby.

To realize
The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize
The value of one minute:
Ask a person
Who has missed the train, bus or plane.

To realize
The value of one second:
Ask a person
Who has survived an accident.

To realize the value of one millisecond:
Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics.

To realize the value of a friend or family member:
LOSE ONE.


Time waits for no one.

Treasure every moment you have.

You will treasure it even more when
You can share it with someone special.


Remember....

Hold on tight to the ones you love!

~Author Unkown

I can't help it - I'm sappy at heart!

Really feelin' the lyrics. Come on, we've all been there.

Lady Antebellum - Need You Now Lyrics

Picture perfect memories,
Scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone cause, I can’t fight it any more.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn’t come but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Another shot of whiskey, can’t stop looking at the door.
Wishing you’d come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It’s a quarter after one, I’m a little drunk,
And I need you now.
Said I wouldn’t call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Yes I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.
It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn’t call but I’m a little drunk and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.
I just need you now.
Oh baby I need you now.