Cherry Bomb's Rants

Hindsight is 20/20

2011-12-14T08:50:00.000-08:00

Friday, December 9th, was my last day at work. Oddly, losing my job and no longer having income coming in isn’t the toughest challenge I have to deal with at the moment, but what’s been stressing me out more are the continual questions my mind keeps asking me, “Did you make the right decision? Did you try hard enough? Although Management was authoritarian, could I have worked harder to try and change them? Or were my cultural biases getting in my way?” HOLY GIRAFFE, I DON’T KNOW!!!

At the same time, these questions were asked in one of my classes:

Think of a time when your attempts at leadership were not successful.
Why were you not successful?
What skill(s) should you develop to be more successful, as a leader, in a similar situation in the future?

Tough questions for me to address, but after a few days of thinking about them, here's what I got – I don’t think that my attempts at leadership were not successful because of my peers’ responses and how receptive they were of my behaviors, but what I can admit I was not successful at was giving Management the benefit of the doubt that they would eventually change. When my direct supervisor (not part of Management – three Owners of the company) confronted me on Friday about my behaviors in the last two weeks, he noticed that something was wrong and he wanted to know how he could help me. I simply told him that I don’t belong in this organization given what I have seen in the eight months that I have been there. I gave him specific examples of what I had been subjected to by Management. After my direct supervisor heard me out, he looked me straight in the eye and merely said, “You’re right – you don’t belong here and you shouldn’t have to since I see how upset you are right now. Do you think you’d like to make an exit today or in a couple of weeks?” For some reason unbeknownst to me, my mouth automatically/instantly said, “Today." I’m still struggling with my decision and it’s Wednesday today. It feels great to know that I don’t have to wake up tomorrow to go to a job I can’t stand, but due to my upbringing, I doubt I will stop feeling the guilt.

Another good example of this hindsight is 20/20 is when I left a career in 2009 that was my highest paying job to date. After joining the MAOM program, now I know that I might have made an irrational move in 2009 because I didn’t have the skills/tools to deal with the managerial challenges I faced then. However, if I never left my career in 2009, I would not have attended Antioch and learned all that I know now and I feel that would have been a bigger loss to me.

“Life is tough, but it's tougher when you're stupid.” ~John Wayne

Remember by Christina Georgina Rossetti

2011-10-31T19:30:00.000-07:00

REMEMBER me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go, yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you planned:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.

It all came back to me...

2011-07-17T15:25:00.000-07:00

Last night I was at the Hollywood Bowl with my girl friend, Maria.

We went to see Sarah McLachlan with the Hollywood Bowl Orchestra and it was AMAZING. I know people judge and think, "Sarah McLachlan, really?" Well, FUCK YOU!

Sarah holds a special place in my heart. My sister, Marie, and I were 16 years apart so we didn't have a lot in common. When Marie was a teenager, I was just a baby. When I was 21, she passed away at the age of 36. The one of the few things that we shared a liking for was Sarah's music.

It's been a good 10 years now since I lost my sister. Although there isn't a moment when I don't think of her, the pain of losing her is more manageable nowadays. However, what I didn't expect was to be overwhelmed with tears when Sarah sang this song last night...

With the live acoustics and Sarah's angelic voice, I was unexplicably moved. I was reminded of how much I loved Marie and how much I miss her. Just wanted to let my sis know that I felt her last night. Our love never dies.

"I'm so afraid to love you, but more afraid to lose,
Clinging to a past that doesn't let me choose,
Once there was a darkness, deep and endless night,
Gave me everything you had, oh you gave me life."

XOXO.

My Personal Mission Statement

2011-01-26T13:49:00.000-08:00

• I want to live a genuine life. I want to remain true to my heart no matter what or who comes into my life. I want to live my life the way I want to and not change to appease someone else. I am stronger than I think and my past has proven that. Do not surrender your real self.

• I want to make a difference. I want to be a role model. I want to live my life where it inspires others to be better people.

• From time to time, I want to do something adventurous to remind me that life is too short and to just have fun! So far I have done things such as whitewater rafting, zip lining, tobogganing, riding my own motorcycle, Manta Ray Night Snorkel and driven ATVs. I want to continue to do things to make me fear death a little less.

• I love to travel. My ultimate desire is to visit every continent so I can gain global insight from gathering stories and studying cultural history. Traveling has given me the opportunity to look outside the materialistic life and realize that there is more out there.

• I want to stop sweating the small stuff. I get so consumed with the stresses in life that I forget the bigger picture. I want to be able to not instinctively get mad when I am wronged and put it into perspective.

• Do not take life so seriously. I delight in making people laugh. My morbid sense of humor is an acquired taste so if someone “gets” it and sticks around, then he/she is my friend for life.

• I will not be bullied. I will stand by my principles and not let them falter. I have learned that I consistently go back to my core values after I have been tested. I will stay strong.

Useful Information

2010-12-19T22:32:00.000-08:00

From Make Every Man Want You (PLEASE don't let the title turn you off b/c it initially did for me) by Marie Forleo:

"When you live each day with enthusiasm – as though now is all you’ve got – a funny thing happens. You start to feel happy, satisfied, secure and fulfilled, pretty much all the time. Rather than just going through the motions and secretly waiting for things to get better once you meet Mr. Right, you start living your life with intensity and, in doing so, awaken that irresistible fox inside you who’s been dying to run the show. When you put 100% in your life, happiness, satisfaction, and irresistibility are natural by-products."

The above statement verbalizes how my life changed and I met my special someone (and I don't mean he's my "happily ever after;" he's just that - someone special). I hated it when people would tell me, "Just don't think about it" - not having a man, having a man, wanting to get married, meeting my soul mate. How could I not think about it when society (and my mother) continually looked down on older single women? I was surrounded by the "oh, that's a shame" (that I didn't have someone at 30), like I had plague. However, when I truly and genuinely started focusing on MY LIFE and having as much fun as I could as a single woman - I went to Costa Rica and Hawaii, I got a motorcycle, I went whitewater rafting, I went zip lining, I attended graduate school (after a seven-year educational hiatus), etc., my life changed. I am thankful for the self-realization and for Marie Forleo for putting it into words. I feel so much stronger now than I have ever felt in my life. =o)

To Realize

2010-12-17T07:35:00.000-08:00

To realize
The value of a sister/brother
Ask someone
Who doesn't have one.

To realize
The value of ten years:
Ask a newly
Divorced couple.

To realize
The value of four years:
Ask a graduate.

To realize
The value of one year:
Ask a student who
Has failed a final exam.

To realize
The value of nine months:
Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.

To realize
The value of one month:
Ask a mother
Who has given birth to
A premature baby.

To realize
The value of one week:
Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize
The value of one minute:
Ask a person
Who has missed the train, bus or plane.

To realize
The value of one second:
Ask a person
Who has survived an accident.

To realize the value of one millisecond:
Ask the person who has won a silver medal in the Olympics.

To realize the value of a friend or family member:
LOSE ONE.

Time waits for no one.

Treasure every moment you have.

You will treasure it even more when
You can share it with someone special.

Remember....

Hold on tight to the ones you love!

~Author Unkown

I can't help it - I'm sappy at heart!

2010-08-13T18:19:00.000-07:00

Really feelin' the lyrics. Come on, we've all been there.

Lady Antebellum - Need You Now Lyrics

Picture perfect memories,
Scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone cause, I can’t fight it any more.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now.
Said I wouldn’t come but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Another shot of whiskey, can’t stop looking at the door.
Wishing you’d come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It’s a quarter after one, I’m a little drunk,
And I need you now.
Said I wouldn’t call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Yes I’d rather hurt than feel nothing at all.
It’s a quarter after one, I’m all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn’t call but I’m a little drunk and I need you now.
And I don’t know how I can do without, I just need you now.
I just need you now.
Oh baby I need you now.

Just as I Suspected

2010-04-20T23:27:00.001-07:00

Ain't all that. Thank God I got the ticket at a discount.

The Little Things

2010-04-10T09:13:00.000-07:00

Last night, Jasmin's mother and I threw Jasmin a surprise 30th birthday party since she was in town on business. Jasmin was surprised. It was a success.

I woke up this morning feeling refreshed. Why? Well, my Caribbean family came together last night and it felt like I was 15 again -- the elders telling funny ass stories about the old days, Jasmin and I sitting and absorbing everything in, people cracking up till they cried and the love spreading like butter.

Lately, I have been having a tough time adjusting to a school schedule and dealing with such stupid and unnecessary drama at work. I get frustrated and depressed. However, being with la familia last night made all the momentary bullshit disappear for a second and I had fun.

Yes, I had a blast just sitting there and listening to stories. No, I don't need to be drunk. No, I don't need to be high. No, I don't need to be at a club. I did me and no one has the right to fucken' judge me.

Lightbulb Moment

2010-04-07T16:00:00.000-07:00

"Happiness is neither virtue nor pleasure nor this thing nor that, but simply growth. We are happy when we are growing."
~Willam Butler Yeats

2010-02-20T15:27:00.000-08:00

Never Feeling Settled

2010-01-30T20:54:00.000-08:00

Lately I have been really depressed. I have fallen back on bad habits because I don't know how else to deal. It's a cop-out, but it's my reality.

Being back in school reminds me of many melancholy times I had at UC Santa Barbara. I forgot how isolating being in school is. When I was working full-time, my day would start and by the time the work day was over, I was so exhausted that going home was incredibly relaxing and not thinking was an enjoyable luxury. Basically, I had no time to be sad because I could just get up and go hang out with my friends if I was feeling down.

Now I am rushing from school to work to the library to running errands and the problem with all this is I do these things ALONE. I'm isolated. School requires a lot of reading and work that I have to do alone. So, outside of actually attending classes and going to work, I'm always by myself. When I was earning my Bachelor's degree, I had friends that kept me up and we were all studying together. Now I'm on my own and none of my friends are here to support me. (I am not saying my friends aren't there for me, NOT AT ALL. I am saying that I have no college friend camaraderie.)

Where am I going with this? Ultimately, it comes down to did I make the right decision? Superficially, yes, it is a smart idea to want to further my education. However, I have to admit that I decided to go back to school because I really didn't have any other better options. The economy is worse than bad right now and, since I know there aren't any good jobs out there, obtaining my Master's degree was the next best thing.

This scene from Sex in the City constantly runs in my head...
"I have been going over this and over this in my mind for five months..."

Did I make the right decision?

Did I make the right decision?

Did I make the right decision?

Did I make the right decision?

Did I make the right decision?

I just want to have an epiphany that makes me realize I did make the right decision to go back to school. I know I'm asking for too much.

2010 - Will I make it??

2010-01-02T21:44:00.000-08:00

2010 is going to be a nerve-racking year. I am becoming a full-time graduate student. I will be living on financial aid and my part-time job without any health insurance. At the same time, I will have to make sure my mother doesn't go hungry and my dog doesn't attack strangers (who can bring lawsuits). In addition, I always have in the back of my head, "Did I make the right decisions?"

My fellow followers, please let me know on 01/01/11 if I made it through the year. Thanks!

2010 WILL ROCK.

The reason why I don't let anyone drive my car...EVER.

2009-12-07T13:42:00.000-08:00

It is well-known that I cherish my car and I don't let anyone else drive it, but me. Why?

This is my rim before "the incident..."

This is my rim after "the incident..."

The person who did this to my car did not understand the pain I felt when he violated it. I wanted to cry. People who don't appreciate their vehicles may think I am being petty. Let me paint a fucken' picture for you.

My current car is the first car I had to buy on my own. (Previous vehicles I had were given to me by my wonderful sister and they were all used.) I had to research ten million cars with ten billion different features (what a fucken' headache). I enlisted my sweet friend, Gene, who went to all the dealerships with me t0 test drive each car I was interested in and fight off salespeople. I even had to beg my bosses at the time for a loan. When I decided on Neeko, I wanted all the cool stuff - 17" rims, spoiler, sunroof, upgraded grill, leather seats and I went so detailed as to get all weather mats! It's not a Benz, but it's MY fucken' car and I love him.

I pay $300 monthly and I will be doing this for five years on a car note.
I pay $2000 every six months for insurance (because the insurance company found out I'm Chinese).
I pay $400 for car registration.
I pay up the ass to possess my car and it took only 10 seconds for the person (remember, not me) driving my car to desecrate it. O.U.C.H. Since that painful day, every time I walk by my car and admire it, I see the eyesore (you might as well stab me with a knife).

What was the response of the person who drove my rim into the curb?
"Oh, I'll get you a new one. What is it? Like $100?"
WHAT. THE. FUCK?
No, try $400. Yes I have four $400 rims.

"How can anyone spend that much money on things?" Don't you be so fucken' concerned about how I spend my money. I don't buy the $500 bags or the $200 shoes or the $350 iPhone or the $300 Kindle. I work my ass off saying, "Thank you for calling Haworth. This is Sherry," so I can do whatever I damn well please with my money.

So, next time you want to drive my car, you best have the fucken' money to pay for the damages...BITCH.

Gorgeous.

2009-12-04T22:00:00.000-08:00

Lovin' her since 1995.

Describe your three most valued accomplishments.

2009-12-02T13:41:00.000-08:00

Answer straight from my graduate school essay...

My first most valued accomplishment is graduating from the University of California, Santa Barbara (UCSB) in 2003 with my Bachelor of Arts degree. When my older and only sibling, Marie, committed suicide in 2001, my initial inclination was to move back to Los Angeles and be there full-time for my mother as we grieved through our loss. However, when I told my mother of my plans to come back home, it was her strength that made me decide to stay at UCSB. I vividly remember her telling me that if I did not finish obtaining my Bachelor of Arts degree at that time, I would not at all. My mother reminded me that my sister would have been incredibly disappointed if she knew I quit college so do not let Marie’s death be an excuse. I decided to continue my education at UCSB and, even though it took me five years to complete my degree, I did it.

Another valued accomplishment that I am proud of is financially supporting my mother since my sister’s death in 2001. When Marie was alive, she paid for a mortgage on house that the three of us lived in, she paid the household bills and she handled all English matters for my mom because my mom does not speak English. Unfortunately, when my sister took her life, I was 21 and a UCSB student who was mostly worried about which house party to go to and maintaining good grades. With my sister’s death, I gave up my carefree lifestyle to emotionally and financially support my mother. I went home every other weekend without fail to be with my mom and I made sure she was 100% financially taken care of by working two jobs and a paid internship. I never once regretted not going to a happening party that took place in Santa Barbara the weekend I was home. I saw the pain my mother endured during my parents’ divorce and when my sister committed suicide that taking care of her was the least I could do.

My third valued accomplishment is properly coping with my clinical depression throughout my life. My family has a history of depression – my mother was on anti-depressants for a few years and my sister was bipolar. My father left our family when I was 15. I remember waking up during my high school years wishing I never did. I pleaded with God to end my emotional and mental pain. Then finally, one night during my sophomore year at UCSB, I clearly remember sitting in the dark, in a corner of my apartment, curled up in the fetal position, holding a knife to my wrist. I had hit rock bottom in my depression and I wanted to slit my wrists, but oddly enough my will to live was stronger. The next morning, I picked up the phone and called UCSB’s Medical Center to set up an appointment with the psychiatrist. Ten years of therapy and anti-depressants have helped me realize that life is a blessing and I have a lot more than other people in the world. At my worst in my depression, I could not even acknowledge my accomplishments. Now, I am pleased to say that I am confident and I am worth all the good that I have earned.

Today's Horoscope

2009-11-26T09:48:00.000-08:00

"You're a big fan of blunt honesty and the naked truth. If you think it, you're likely to say it without censoring it for the audience. Luckily, you run with a crowd that has a sense of the absurd. Keep in mind that not everyone in the world appreciates your finely tuned sense of humor. If you were to refine this approach, imagine how many more people you could reach."

To a tee. =O)

Because I can.

2009-11-21T18:08:00.000-08:00

"A strong woman is a woman determined to do something others are determined not be done." ~Marge Piercy

Why I'll never be rich.

2009-11-13T14:51:00.000-08:00

I work for a company that designs and manufactures office furniture and organic workspaces, including raised access floors, moveable walls, systems furniture, seating, storage and wood casegoods. When I first started for the firm, everyone was so nice. My job was super easy and I enjoyed going to work. Now that I've been here for almost three months, I can't wait for my stint to end.

I have never met such a callous and manipulative person in my life. There is this one employee that everyone at my work despises and she is so deserving of such bad treatment. She blatantly lies, backstabs, kisses her boss' ass and snoops to make a sale. For example, one time she said she would do something for me, then turns around, walks over to my boss and said that I misunderstood; she didn't help me. She has stolen accounts from every salesperson in our division. She will say something, but when confronted, will deny she said anything of that sort. Yet, she has great selling numbers.

I have to be an asshole to be rich. I can't be an asshole. So, I'll never be rich.

A Chick Thing

2009-11-05T19:20:00.000-08:00

The reason why I titled this entry A Chick Thing is because I doubt any men have experienced what I am about to share. If one of my fellow men has, please surprise me and let me know. It would delight me.

Anyway, there have been several occasions in my life where I have met a man and I get to know him for a short period of time. We have blast, joking, talking and light-hearted flirting. Then for some reason, we never see each other again because of how we met. For example, when I went on the China tour with my mom a few years ago, all the travelers were elderly, except for me and another guy who was around my age (I even forgot his name, but we’ll just call him Sam). Sam was on the tour with his father for some bonding. Sam and I would spend the days on our organized tour itineraries, but after dinner we’d go to the hotel bar just the two of us and have a few drinks together. I’m sure we found each other attractive, but I knew nothing would ever happen between us because he was engaged. This went on for 10 days. We talked a lot during those 10 days – he taught me about his Mormon beliefs, I shared my values with him, we dared each other to do things, like I dared him to get a local Chinese girl’s phone number, he talked about his adoration for his future stepdaughter and we acted like silly teenagers (although we were in our 20s). After those 10 days, we didn’t even bother to get each other’s contact information because we knew we wouldn’t keep in touch. There was no need to.

Has anyone seen Before Sunrise? Yaaaaaahh, you know what I’m talking about then. What was most memorable about the whole experience was developing a relationship with Sam without sex in the way. We got to know each other as human beings. Ugh, when I meet a guy now in my reality, it’s always “he just wants to have sex with you” or “he’s just using you” or “he wants to make you his mistress.” BLARGH!!!

This blog entry came about because I met someone this past weekend that made my heart skip a beat. It wasn’t instantaneous either. He was my motorcycle riding instructor. When I first met him, I thought, “Hey, he’s cute.” Then as the day progressed, he made cheesy jokes in class that I found rather endearing. My crush really began when he started talking about the new puppy he got and he handed me a picture of her. .::my heart melting::. In the afternoon we had our riding lessons on our motorcycles (provided by the school). He looked so different in daylight; he looked seksi. Then when he would demonstrate our objectives on the motorcycle, GOD DAMN! “Can I have your babies?” Whether he was truly flirting with me or just being more nice to me because I’m a chick (since he was more attentive with me), I prayed to God that night he would ask me out the next day. I went as far as putting on make-up the next morning and doing my hair to look cuter, even though I would spend most of the time in a helmet! Unfortunately to my disappointment, he wasn’t even teaching my group the next day! .::SAD FACE::.

I will never see him again, but I’m left with the unnecessary what ifs. What if he is available and I blew my chance by not having the balls to ask him out? What if he’s married and I’ve been wasting my thoughts on a man I could never have had anyway? What if my friend didn’t show up and cock blocked? What if he is my Prince Charming, but he’s been hurt too many times and was too scared to ask me out? What if I was lucky for once in my fucken’ life?!?!!!?

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK.

Clowns scare me!

2009-10-28T21:36:00.000-07:00

I went to Cirque du Soleil’s Kooza on Saturday…

PHENOMENAL, as always. I have been to every show since I was a teenager. I continue to go to them because they are such otherworldly experiences and I used to go to them with Marie. She may not be with me, but at least I can still enjoy the things she used to.

If someone were to come up to me and ask me what the show is like, my best description would be it’s like Jackass…but with happy endings. I say that because all the stunts the performers pull are so insane!

“Hey, you, get on these stilts, jump from the second floor while doing a back flip and then land without eating it.” OOOKK, got it.

“Hey, let’s have two tightropes – one on top of the other – and have two guys jump rope on each with no net.” Nice.

“We should stack like 15 wooden chairs on top of each other and have a Chinese guy balance himself on them.” Yaaaaaahh…

AMAZING.

Just Another Memory

2009-10-20T21:29:00.000-07:00

This song came on the radio the other day...

It reminded me of a night six years ago. I had just moved back to L.A. after living in Santa Barbara for five years. I got back with my high school crowd (all guys b/c I didn’t get along with chicks back in the adolescent days) and starting kicking it with them like no time had lapsed. Well, one night after partying it up like always, my friend drove me home. On the drive home, my friend asked me, “Out of all of us in the group, who would be the guy you would think about crushing on?” I knew he had one guy in mind…so I gave him who he wanted. Little did he know that I had lied and the guy I was really fond of was the one who was driving me home.

Why did I lie? I was scared. I didn’t want our friendship to change. I couldn’t deal with the possible break up in the future that usually ends all great male/female friendships. We were young and had so much more growing to do. I knew then that I needed my friend to grow up and be the man I knew he could be before he could be with me. I also knew I would risk my chance of ever being with him (if I really had one ‘cause he could have never really liked me in a romantic way and I’m simply delusional), but I thought I would rather have him grow into the great person that I hear he is now and not be with me than start up some kind of fucked up relationship when we were immature.

Did I lose my chance??

The love of my life - CHWEEDY

2009-10-17T19:09:00.000-07:00

Since my momma pushed me out into the world, I have known her to always hate pets. The main reason being she was severely bitten by an asshole dog when I was in elementary school. I brought home goldfisheys once and she didn’t care. When the fisheys would die, in the trash they went. Who needs a dramatic funeral? She’d see strays in our garden and she would throw things at them. We all know how she torments the skunks.

When I brought home Chweedy, my mom’s first reaction was a look of disgust followed by “what the hell do you think you are doing?” I ignored her and told her how Chweedy would be a great addition to our already FANTASTIC family. .::insert rolling eyes here::. Being Chweedy, he was a nightmare for the first couple of months, but I understood he was acclimating to his environment. My mom would constantly bitch everyday to me – he doesn’t know how to go to the bathroom, Chweedy attacks every stranger that walks by, he smells, he’s always barking, etc. I just took her complaining because, in reality, I would have gotten rid of the old lady before I got rid of Chweedy. I LOVE MY CHWEEDY! On top of it all, my mother would NEVER touch Chweedy because she thinks he is mangy. When she would see Chweedy on my bed, she would have conniptions. She would go as far as saying, “We (Chinese people) eat his kind.” .::GASP::.

AHA! This past Saturday, my mom was in the garden (which is right next to my studio). Nowadays, Chweedy follows my mom around EVERYWHERE she goes (even when my mom goes poopeys – TMI?). He loves her so much because my mom takes him for walks twice a day, everyday and she is his main companion (I work). Well, I looked out my window to spy on Chweedy and I saw the dearest moment – my mom was whispering sweet nothings to Chweedy while stroking his head. Awwwwwwwww! .::my heart melting::. She LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVES him. =O)

The next day I was hanging out with my mom and I said, “I saw you outside with Chweedy yesterday and you loooooooooooooooooove him. Don’t lie.” Tee-hee-hee. She admitted she does. “Why would I buy him so many treats and toys if I didn’t?”

I love my poser-mean mommy. =D

Fuck my Thursday.

2009-10-08T13:51:00.000-07:00

Today started out fine. I got ready for work and spent 15 minutes playing with Chweedy this morning. Then I walked out of my house and found a parking space to move my car to (due to weekly street cleaning). Also, a woman walked by me and said, “Good morning.” I reciprocated. Not too shabby. Who knew I was going to run into one hell to another soon afterwards?

I got onto my usual Line 704 bus and I see a guy I knew from high school. I avoided him like the plague when he was waiting at the bus stop with me. (I don’t do high school nostalgia ‘cause I hated high school.) Then we get on the bus and he sits directly across from me, facing me. CRAP. So, I just watch the bus televisions and do not face forward. He eventually moved and I thanked Jebus.

The second annoying thing that happened this morning is a third-way through my bus ride, the bus dies. WTF? So, everyone gets off the bus and we are told to wait for the next bus to pass so we could jump on without paying again. Unfortunately, the next bus was a “short line” (the bus doesn’t go its normal full route and I don’t know why the Metro does this). I would have to get out many stops before my destination, but luckily my boss lives near Sepulveda Blvd. and Santa Monica Blvd. so I could walk to her house and catch a ride the rest of the way with her. I jumped on the bus and didn’t look back. What a mistake.

There was this teenage girl on the bus who helped confirm that I do not want to have any children in my future. At first, there was this grown man who was talking to the teenager like an adult, “You got a mouth on you, don’t you?” Not knowing what had happened prior, I thought he was sexually harassing her. I swore, if that man was gonna go anywhere near that girl, I was going to stand up and have some words with him. Thankfully, he got off at the next stop so I calmed down. Little did I know, I was going to get patty-slapped in the face.

The teenager was loud and as I was listening to her, I started to realize that she was the awful one. She spoke and acted like a prostitute that had been in the business for way too long. She terrorized everyone that got on the bus. Two men sat next to each other in front of her and she’d say, “I know you suck his dick.” HOLY SHIT! “Are you a faggot?” Jesus Christ! I was…totally stupefied. Then this Latin chubby man got off the bus and the teenager yells, “Stupido gordo (stupid fat man in Spanish).” .::my jaw dropped::.

At this point, some of you may be wondering, “Why didn’t you do something Sherry?” Uummm…she was Black…and she could fucken’ take me, no contest. I can’t help the world. However, I’d definitely be willing to die from trying to kill a pedophile that is for sure.

Finally, the teenager was gonna get off the bus (believe it or not, she was actually on her way to school), but before she actually stepped off, she snatched a newspaper out of a man’s hands (he was seated and reading his paper, minding his own business) and threw it on the floor.

This entire time, and even till now, these are the thoughts running through my mind:

Are you being molested?

Are you someone’s sex slave?

Are you a foster child?

Who is beating you at home?

Do you need to be held?

What abhorrent barbarity is happening to you that is making you act out so callously? I mean, worse case scenario is she’s a sociopath, but I don’t think that is the majority. After reading The Boy Who Was Raised As a Dog: And Other Stories from a Child Psychiatrist's Notebook - What Traumatized Children Can Teach Us About Loss, Love, and Healing by Dr. Bruce Perry and Maia Szalavitz, I get that adults are who they are because of what happened to them as children. So, before I would have wanted this appalling teenager to get hit by a car, but instead she just broke my heart now. You have no childhood. That is sad.

My morning didn’t get better after she left my life, but I’m tired of writing. I hope your Thursday is better than mine.

Acts of Kindness...does...not...compute.

2009-10-06T19:23:00.000-07:00

I am always writing about the many trying adventures I have survived while taking the Los Angeles Metro. Today is different though. A young student (college) got on the bus while I was on my way home. She was very disheveled and all over the place. The chick couldn't find her bus money (and I suspect that this might have been an act) so she started dumping all of her stuff out of her backpack and went through each item like a forensic scientist. It was so embarrassing and the bus wasn't moving till the girl paid. Finally, this nice older woman takes a dollar out of her purse and just gave it to the girl. I was shocked. Apparently, the chick was stupefied too because her initial response to the lady was a look of disgust, as if the older woman was mocking her, but then the chick's facial expression changed when she realized the older woman was just trying to be nice. The chick eventually took the dollar and the older woman asks, "Do you need a quarter too?" (One-way bus ride is $1.25.)

Would I have done the same? Probably not because I'm Chinese and I'm cheap. Also, I'm in the belief that if you aren't missing a limb or mentally challenged, you ain't getting squat from me. (I'm supporting my 69-year-old mother and myself on $14/hour. You want to feel sorry for someone, I'm right here.) Today, watching this act of kindness happen so randomly gave my heart a little fizzling feeling (like when I first open and drink a really carbonated soda). Smile.

So, let me take this moment and say:

Thank you Mr. Stranger Man for standing up and giving me your seat on the bus.

Thank you Mr. Bus Driver for opening the doors a second time for me when I fell asleep and almost missed my exit stop.

Thank you elderly lady for saving your seat specially for me when you are about to leave and the bus is jam-packed like sardines in a can.

Thank you Metro for saving me $100/month.

It ain't all bad. =O)

Because my audience demands it!

2009-09-30T19:45:00.000-07:00

David Paul Green said that my lack of consistent blog entries has been unacceptable. So, here I am, at it again two days after my last entry. I apologize for not being more regular! (Deej, I’m thinking once a week entries will suffice. Don’t push it.)

So, when I was a wee young child, my sister had this Italian boyfriend who was very New York (blunt, abrasive…that about sums it up for me). I want to say they were together for a good ten years. I remember him being this tall, looming man who towered over me. From what my sister told me during her relationship and what her friends told me after Marie died, he was an asshole. I am not familiar with the details, but I know it ended with him stalking my sister after she broke the relationship off with him. I also think there was a restraining order put in effect.

There was this one particular day I remember hanging out with Marie and her boyfriend. They took me to some picnic and on the ride there, the boyfriend starts to lecture me. My sister must have told him stories of how much of a pill I was at home. I had never hung out with my sister and her boyfriend before so I was so excited to meet him. Then when I do, he starts to lecture me. I was so hurt and got upset. Who is this stranger trying to be my dad?! He ain’t my dad! FUCK YOU!

Well, I am sitting in the atrium today (at work) reading my book. I look up for a second and guess who is walking past me? Well, if it ain’t that Italian son of a bitch. Wow. He works in my fucken’ building! I just stared at him thinking, “Now that I’m 5’8” you sure don’t seem as big as I remember you to be.” Where is a Nerf Vortex when I need one? I would like to bop this bitch. I am not sure if he recognized me, but I doubt he would have since the last time he saw me I was a pre-adolescent.

In the end, I decided I had nothing to say to him. It was such a long time ago and I don’t want him to know who I am. I am sure I will run into him again.

BECAUSE it's...JUST that easy. Right.

2009-09-28T18:18:00.000-07:00

I was walking home from work today and I ran into my mother's friend. I greeted her because I am a respectful Chinese girl. As soon as we get past our formal hellos, this woman goes straight for the most painful topic of conversation in my life right now - "every Chinese parent's life wish is to see his/her children be married off and have a family." FUCK ME. Wow. .::looking around::. And it's only Monday. Where is a suicide terrorist when I need one??

I just got done reading Liz Tuccillo's How to Be Single. It's a novel that tells a story of five single women and how each of them deal with being single. One of them accepts that she might not find the man of her dreams, but that should not stop her from being a mom. So, she decided to inject herself with some crap to boost up her fertility as she decided that she would become a single mom. Another character joins a monk priesthood and decides meditation is all she needs for the rest of her life. The third character is amidst a divorce and makes a terrible mistake one night that basically came down to her choosing a man over her two children. The narrator is a writer and, as research, decides to travel the world to see how everyone else is handling being single women. The last protagonist is about to marry this great guy...on paper, but she's not in love with him (in my world this is called settling).

I loved How to Be Single because it made me realize that I am not the ONLY woman in the United States that is 29 and single. There are millions of women around the world that are single and are having a terrible time, just like I am, in finding THE ONE. I have spent the last 29 years believing that I am a loser because no one wants to love and marry me. My mother believes at this moment that I am one year away from the end of my life because I have no marital prospects. In her eyes, I might as well shrivel up and die at age 31. Most people who meet and get to know me eventually feel bad for me because I am not lucky in love. "Why are you single?" Hm, Sherry's translation, "You're like a cripple missing a limb." Ugh.

FUCK YOU! Let me tell you something, I have no problem with being single. Yes, I will admit that it would be GREAT to have someone I can share my life with and I wish I found him five years ago, but the fact is I don't and I refuse to spend the rest of my life feeling sorry for myself. In my heart, I don't have a problem with being single because I like my independence and freedom. However, it's all you motherfuckers out there (oh yah, this includes my mother) who look down on the "sad single girl that lives with her mom." FUCK YOU. Since I was 21, I have been the sole financial support for my mom. I've worked my ass off through school and work to pay the god damn mortgage, homeowners insurance, household bills, property tax, car loan, school loans, life insurance, etc. so my mom doesn't have to suffer anymore because I feel she's been through enough in her life. That is one of the accomplishments I am proud to have achieved in my life. I don't need to have a husband or my own kids to feel like my life's purpose has been fulfilled.

So, next time you have the audacity to say to me, "Oh you are such a wonderful person. Why can't you find someone who can treat you as that?" Just think of these four words that you can imagine me saying to you, "EAT SHIT STUPID ASS."

Hope everyone is having a fantastic week!

I want this.

2009-08-31T21:31:00.001-07:00

Simple.

Captain's Log, stardate -314654.64

2009-08-27T20:48:00.000-07:00

Monday - Two crackheads and two drunks.
Tuesday - Chinese woman with a turban and face mask on.

Wednesday - Person with facial hair who looks like a man, except for his woman breasts.
Thursday - Crazy person having a loud conversation with a plastic cup.

The Metro ain't pretty, but it's sure damn cheap.

FUCK.

R.I.P. Marie Pak Wa Wong September 22nd, 1964 - August 22nd, 2001

2009-08-20T15:52:00.000-07:00

Around this time of year, I always get gloomy. I think the weather – the variable entrance and exit of the sun – automatically conjures up somber feelings and they consistently creep up on me in the beginning of August. First, I get the blues that last for about a week and then they gradually worsen to me wanting to isolate myself. I get super lazy and just lay in bed for days. I eventually get annoyed with myself and begin to really try to determine what the hell is wrong with me. Then I get patty-slapped in the face (Lords Of Dogtown reference) and realize that August 22nd is my problem – it is the day my sister killed herself.

Contrary to popular wisdom, time does not heal all wounds. Now, I know there are some hurts that never stop hurting…no matter how faded the scars may be.
~When There Are No Words by Charlie Walton, a father who lost two sons too soon.

I lost my sister, Marie, on August 22nd, 2001. I clearly remember that first year without my big sister. I was a robot. Feeling was not an option because my heart shut off the moment the police officer told me she was dead. I smoked pot everyday to get through each day. It was hard living because I could not conceive ever having a happy life without her, but dying was not an option either because I could not allow my mother to endure her hell a second time. Eight years later, when I have dreams of Marie, I still feel the hole that was bored in my heart the day she committed suicide, but now when I wake up, I know her decision no longer has to define my life.

I heard a person say recently that the intensity of the grief you are feeling only goes to show the intensity of the love you felt for the person or persons you lost.
~When There Are No Words by Charlie Walton.

I have still not been able to open a photo album that has Marie’s pictures in it, but I am able to allow myself to recall the good memories I have of her. One story I love to tell about her is when I started college in 1998. Students generally took 16 units, which equated to a full load, a quarter. I signed up for 16 units because everyone else was doing it and that was the norm. Well, my attention deficit coupled with my dysthymic disorder caused me to have a monumental nervous breakdown. I called my sister during her workday and I was sobbing buckets, feeling like a total fucken’ failure and foreseeing the end of my life! (Yes, I have always been melodramatic.) A Chinese girl not earning a college degree? I mean, I might as well disown myself because that definitely is what my mother would have done. After crying on the phone like a baby for an hour, my sister asked, “Why don’t you drop a class?” What?! I can’t do that! I told her that my peers would look down on me. That would be so shameful. Then Marie’s response, “Fuck them.” In that instant, my sister taught me that I didn’t have to prove myself to anyone, except myself. People have a lot of shit to say, but they should look at their lives first before they judge my decisions or my life. My beloved sister unceasingly had my back, no matter how stupid my decisions were because they were MY decisions. Sure, Marie had to bail me out of a lot of mistakes, but she never turned me away. I learned what was unconditional love from her.

Every moment marked, with apparitions of your soul.
I'm ever swiftly moving, trying to escape this desire.
The yearning to be near you, I do what I have to do.

First day of work

2009-08-17T16:14:00.001-07:00

This is what 7 a.m. looked like. I want to nap soooooo bad right now, but then I will not be able to sleep at 10 p.m. tonight. Crap!

UPDATE: I crashed. Damn. Guess it'll be another Lunesta tonight.

Staying optimistic works!

2009-08-13T21:28:00.000-07:00

I have totally been cheating and posting half-ass entries lately b/c I’ve been super bummed about going on tons of interviews and receiving no job offers. Well, things have changed and I will officially be employed again starting Monday…temporarily for two months. I will be a Guest Relations Admin/Receptionist at Haworth Inc. I will be making pennies in comparison to what I was making before, but, for some odd reason, I’m not too sad about that.

This temp. job would be considered taking a step back in my career. However, I don’t see this opportunity as part of my professional advancement. For the last six years, I have held positions in the financial industry, specifically in insurance. For people who know me very well, does the financial sector seem like the industry I belong in?? I genuinely don’t think so. Since I quit my job two months ago, I have been indifferent with everything – my life, my partner, my career, my goals, my surroundings, etc. I have been in such mental chaos that I hoped and prayed for any kind of direction. I was speaking to Jasmin earlier this week and expressed to her that I am at an impasse with no guidance in sight. Next thing I know, I meet with a temp. agency – Kelly Services – yesterday, today I went on an interview at Haworth and on Monday I start my new job.

What excites me about this role is that it is in a business that I have never worked in and it seems like such a creative space.

Responding to customers’ need for a better way to build interiors, Haworth acquires architectural interior companies to expand beyond furniture into adaptable interiors. I have no idea what that really means, but when I entered their office today, HOLY WOW IT WAS GORGEOUS!!! I felt so clean just walking through the space.

I know that this job is only a two-month stint, but I feel like this will be one great way for me to see what is out there in the world. Maybe it's time for me to finally stop thinking about professional advancement and start thinking about a professional shift altogether! For the first time in my life, I sincerely feel like my possibilities are endless!

Who do you prefer?

2009-08-13T18:42:00.000-07:00

The clean version...

or the dirty one?

My Unemployed Monday

2009-08-10T22:48:00.000-07:00

So, I was walking Chweedy this afternoon for his daily poop. All went well. He is regular. As I was finishing up our walk, I see something odd on someone’s lawn. I walk over to it to get a closer look because I have an inquiring mind. As my eyes begin to focus, I notice it had facial features. Oh, it looks like a mask of a doll. Wait…it is covered with fur though. Oh shit, it’s a cat’s head…OH SHIT AND IT’S MISSING HIS BODY! I jumped back. Then I looked over and saw his detached leg. .::GASP::. Trailing after that were some more pieces of him. I didn’t wait to check the rest out so I fled the scene FAST!

What could it have been?! My first thought was coyotes. However, for a person who loves Criminal Minds, I can’t help to think it might be a 12-year-old sociopath. I mean, how can a hungry coyote leave the face perfectly intact?

I’m so fucken’ traumatized!

Does soul-mate-ism prevent us from finding true love?

2009-08-06T00:12:00.000-07:00

By Amy Angelowicz

(The Frisky) -- I remember being a little girl and hearing my mother use the term "soul mates."

"What is 'soul mates'?" I asked.

"It's beshert," she said.

"Be-what?"

"It's meant to be," she explained.

Beshert is a Yiddish term that expresses how soul mates are "meant to be together." Building on my family's unwavering faith in this beshert thingy -- my parents met when they were 17 and my grandparents when they were 16 -- I assumed that I, too, would be welcomed into the warm, loving arms of this soul mate phenomenon. I vowed to keep my eyes peeled for my one and only perfect, dream lover -- the man who would sweep me off my feet and love me as no one else ever had, my soul mate.

When I was 13, I thought my first boyfriend Jeremy, the guitar-strumming pothead, was my soul mate. "Run away with me and let's get married, dude," he pleaded during one of our marathon phone conversations.

"But I don't have a ride to your place," I said. When he cheated on me later that month with a girl that lived in his neighborhood, I knew he was NOT "the one."

When I was 15, I was sure my soul mate was Rob, the artist with the Doc Martens and the Sonic Youth t-shirt.

At 19, I was betting it was John, the intellectual DJ who could quote Foucault and Wu-Tang Clan all in one breath.

By 22, I was fairly certain it was my long-term, live-in boyfriend Jeff, until I unexpectedly met and fell in love with Jason when I was 25. This time I was positive that Jason was "the one." Jason and I were laying in bed one night and he turned to me clearly panicked and asked, "You seem so sure about us, how do you know it's meant to be?"

"Beshert," I said confidently. Two weeks later, he dumped me. OK ... screw beshert.

It was around this time that I started to get a hunch that this whole "soul mate" thing may be a bunch of bull. Maybe all that I was "meant to be" was "alone forever." The thought terrified me, but even with my doubts, I chose to keep the faith that "the one" was coming.

In the next few years, at least five more possible soul mates came and went -- there was something just not quite "right" enough about all of them and I was unwilling to settle -- before it finally dawned on me. There's no perfect guy coming to sweep me off my feet, in fact there is not just ONE right guy for me, there are potentially many! And more importantly, holding out for a soul mate may have actually prevented me from finding true love. Crap!

I'm not the only one who had been buying into this soul mate thing -- so were most of my single friends, also a few of my married friends, Jillian Harris on "The Bachelorette," and, according to a shocking study in 2001, 94 percent of unmarried, single people between the ages of 20 and 29 also believe this malarkey!

Whoa ... so it's like the whole single world thinks that love is flat when really it's round? Writer Scott M. Stanley calls this phenomenon soul-mate-ism:

[The belief that you will] find in a mate the one unique person on the planet who understands your deepest desires and fears, accepts all of who you are unconditionally and who becomes joined to you, making one complete whole in mind, body and soul. The power of this type of relationship is so great that you will know fully and rapidly when you find "the one."

Think "Jerry Maguire" and just about every other romantic comedy or love story on the planet. Stanley claims that suffering from soul-mate-ism may leave you constantly unhappy because of impossible expectations of being loved perfectly by this mythological person. Um, this is sounding kind of familiar.

As an antidote to soul-mate-ism, Stanley advocates commitment. "It is deep commitment between two partners for life that makes it possible to have a profound connection." Whoa... kind of revolutionary.

So what do I do now? Clearly, I should throw in the towel with the soul mate search, take the next decent dude I meet, and commit myself to him for life. Wait, but wouldn't that be settling? It's all so profoundly confusing I hardly know what to believe anymore.

But no matter what anyone says, I still refuse to believe that love lacks some measure of magic. I still think that there are no coincidences in life and that miraculous things happen all the time and that things are meant to be -- good or bad. Fingers crossed that lasting love (with a totally imperfect guy) is one of them for me.

And even though I don't like to admit it, there is a small, secret part of my heart that still skips a beat when I see a guy on the subway, or one sitting across from me at a coffee shop and I feel a spark of recognition between us and imagine the possibilities. A foolish, little voice inside of me whispers, "beshert."

I Remember (Updated)

2009-07-18T13:39:00.000-07:00

FUCK KANYE WEST!

HOME

2009-07-16T00:27:00.000-07:00

My mother and I had the worst trip ever! I knew it was going to be awful because we were going to stay with her disgustingly miserly friend, but I didn’t want to argue with my mother so I just gave into her. What a terrible mistake.

My mother and I headed to San Francisco on Monday. She hadn’t been to Frisco in ten years and, since I’m currently unemployed, I thought it would be good to spend some quality time with her. Also, her friend had called and told us to go up there and stay with her. We were going to stay up North till Thursday. Well…it’s Wednesday night now and I’m comfortably in my bed thanking Jesus!

When we stepped into the house that belonged to my mom’s friend on Monday, I felt like a cockroach trapped in a tented (fumigating) house. It was so fucken’ HOT that I thought, “This is most likely what a baked chicken feels like.” On top of the heat, there was THE SMELL – a mixture of the elderly and gallons of Ben Gay. I literally got dizzy. I looked at my mother and she was just as horrified as I was. NO BUENO.

Then we entered our bedroom. OH FUCK. This room looked like it hadn’t been touched since the last time we were there ten years ago. It was so stale that I immediately went to open the window, but my mom’s friend told me there was no reason to do that. She spoke to me as if I was delusional and demanded that I not try and open it. As a good Chinese girl, I respected my elder and did what I was told. Again, I looked at my mother for some back up, but she looked away. Traitor.

Whatever. So, my mom and her friend leave the room. I am dead tired from waking up early and driving for five hours that I decided to just plop on the bed. BAM! “FUCK!” What the hell?! I felt the bed. Oh hell fucken’ no this woman does not expect us to sleep on plywood! Is she serious?! I pulled the cover off and there it was…if I needed to go knock on wood, I knew where to go. ARGH!

Later that night, when my mother and I were going to hit the sack, she tells me in a mischievous whisper to go shut the bedroom door. I knew it! My mother has never abandoned me. She walked to the window and attempts to open it. HOLY GIRAFFE THE WINDOW IS BOLTED SHUT. I was in awe…like a scene from a horror movie. The old lady wants to kill us in San Leandro! Needless to say, my mother and I spent Monday night very uncomfortable.

Fast forward to Tuesday night (last night) and our sleeping situation has not changed. We had an added bonus though. Along with the heat, plywood and my mother and I sharing the same bed, around 3 a.m. we started to hear petrified screaming coming from the next room. It sounded like a woman was being murdered and waking up to that is just no fun at all! I held on to my mommy for dear life. My mom’s friend was just screaming at the top of her lungs during a nightmare. Holy crap where the fuck am I?! Aaaaaaaaahhhh! Amazingly, I still was able to go back to sleep after that.

Then at 5 a.m., I briefly opened my eyes and my mom is looking at me. She says, “We are getting the fuck out of here TODAY. I can’t go through another night of this.” 9 a.m. we woke up, took my mom’s friend to dim sum, grabbed our shit and peaced the fuck out! Now I am laying in my bed and thanking the Almighty Lord for blessing me with a safe and cozy home.

From the desk of Carrie Bomb...

2009-07-11T22:03:00.000-07:00

I feel like I'm always the "Katie" girl. Am I??

"Leave me alone!!!"

2009-07-10T12:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I watched an episode of Oprah and it was about a little girl, Danielle, who was found living like an animal.

Discovering Danielle

One of the segments was about another girl, Oksana Malaya, who was found living with dogs in the Ukraine. Her parents were alcoholics who did not care about their child. Therefore, Oksana began her coexistence with the dogs that lived in her courtyard. The little girl behaved like a dog, she snarled and she barked, she walked four legged, she smelled food before eating it and she had a strong sight, sense of smell and hearing. The girl literally was jumping around like a dog.

I could not believe my eyes. How can human beings be that atrocious? These innocent children come into this world with no expectations and such innocence. Then they are put into the hands of sociopaths to be treated like beasts living a feral existence. What kind of humanity are we a part of?! Sadly, my dog receives extraordinarily better care – Chweedy does not live with insect corpses, he does not live in his own feces, he does not drink water out of the toilet bowl (even though other dogs might do this), he gets hugs and kisses everyday, etc. It breaks my heart how children are mistreated in my country and all over the world.

Anyway, the reason for this entry is not to talk about the extremely neglected children. On the episode, it was stated that an adult is who they will ever be when he/she was developed at six-years-old. Wow. I started thinking about that…and I began to realize that it is true. If I think back, I was in first grade when I was six-years-old. My parents were already not speaking to each other and they would communicate with each other through my sister and I. My parents worked full-time (my mom worked from home) so they didn’t have much time for me. Also, my sister was 22 so she had her own life and a full-time job. I spent most of my time alone at age six. I was never let out to play with the neighborhood kids because my mom was terrified that I would be kidnapped. So, I learned to entertain myself and had many imaginary friends.

Fast-forward 23 years later, I am still easily entertained and mostly by myself. I don’t enjoy being around people or crowds. Friendships are generally a lot of work that I tend to have an awful time maintaining. I tend to accomplish everything better on my own. If you are my close friends, you know I LOVE my “alone time.”

Now, ain’t that some shit?

Sex And The City: The Monogamists

2009-07-07T00:55:00.000-07:00

True, we had never discussed exclusivity. But while for me the idea of seeing another man would be like trying to fit another outfit into an already over-stuffed suitcase, Big was happily dating another woman like it was the most natural thing in the world. Is it that men have an innate aversion to monogamy, or is it more than that? I wondered in a city like New York, with it's infinite possibilities, has monogamy become too much to expect?

I've done the merry-go-round, I've been through the revolving door, I feel like I met somebody I can stand still with for a minute and... Don't you want to stand still with me?

~Carrie

Shaken.

2009-06-25T15:41:00.000-07:00

I am unemployed. I was watching Judge Jeanine Pirro and the case being tried involved Liberace's gay ex-lover, Scott Thorson. Then "Breaking News" interrupts my regular programming to announce that Michael Jackson has passed away at age 50. The newscaster later says, "This is one of those instances where you will never forget how you heard the news for the first time."

FLACHBACK!

Eight years ago, I was also unemployed for a bit. I woke up late (as I always do when I don't have work) and turned on the television. I see this dusty footage of some city with debris everywhere. Then this instant replay segment comes on and I see a plane crash into a tall building. I wonder what movie I'm watching; it looks stupid. So, I flip the channel and it's showing almost the same exact footage. I think "what the hell is going on with this television??" I flip some more, but the scene doesn't change. Then I see a plane crash into a second tall building and the newscaster is frantically gasping on air. Holy shit this is real!

I will never forget the first time I heard that the World Trade Center was attacked by terrorists.

No work since 6.16.09

2009-06-23T17:30:00.000-07:00

God damn I feel great. My last day of work was on Monday, June 15th (timed it for the end of the pay period). Since then I have taken a few days out of town BY MYSELF so I can get back to regenerating "me." I was in the swimming pool everyday, got a facial, did some shopping and caught a flick. The problems that were weighing me down had to do with people so I took them out of the equation and took a vacation with myself. Let me tell ya, this will be an annual thing. (Don't hate me because I don't have kids. =P)

This week I am in L.A. and working on my life's game plan. What does Sherry want to do with her life? Does she want to go back to her stale old job because the money is there? Does she want to start over in a new career and make less money? Does Sherry want to move to Hong Kong and start a new life there? Does Sherry want to go to circus training to become a Ring Leader? AAAAaaaaaaahhhhhHHHHH, I don't know!!

I know what I don't want though and that is to remain listless. Waking up every morning and hoping your work burned down that day isn't great motivation to go to it. My mother constantly nags me to go back to my last employer. You know what that means? I won't go back just to irritate her (yes, my teenage angst has not fully dissipated). My sweet dear friend gave me permission to take a couple of months off if I am financially able to do so. I love you Shorty! =)

I don't know how people do it. I have been working since I was 16 and just 13 years later, I'm all burnt out. This is not okay. What does this mean??

Nothing beats the Original...

2009-06-17T21:09:00.000-07:00

Movie and cast.

Today I breathe.

2009-06-16T19:45:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my last day of work. Today I was in the pool and it felt so refreshing. I don’t know what it is about the water, but every time I get in it and start swimming, I feel so free. When I swim underwater, I feel like the world and its nasty people are so far away that I cannot be touched. My body feels like the water washes off the filth that humanity has vomited all over me. I would give anything for a personal pool.

Some people love mountains. Others love rain forests. A specific aspect of Mother Nature turns everyone on.

Mine is…

So this is what getting wiser is all about...

2009-06-05T22:38:00.000-07:00

I am watching Batman (1989). This movie takes me way fucking back! When I was in elementary school, I would repeatedly watch this movie (and other movies because I was a lonely kid; my mom always thought I would get kidnapped by rapists so she never let me leave the house). I thought the relationship between Bruce Wayne/Batman and Vicki Vale was so romantic - Batman would do anything to save the girl (and I'm sure it's movies like these that led me to have a fucked up reality of what a relationship should be). Now that I'm watching it, there are so many things that I didn't understand when I was a kid.

The Smylex gas is what made those women die with Joker's smile.
The relationship between Bruce Wayne and Vicki Vale wasn't simple.
Joker was disfiguring women as a form of art.
Vicki Vale wasn't just a pretty girl; she was a renowned photojournalist who took a job with the local Gotham City paper.
The movie has the Harvey Dent character who is Two-Face.

There's plenty of other realizations that I came across, but I don't have the energy nor the memory to write them all down.

What I am trying to get at is now I understand what it means to become wiser. This is what Oprah would call an "Aha! Moment."

Where the fuck are you?!

2009-06-04T11:10:00.000-07:00

My darling friend, David Paul Green, has pointed out that I have not blogged in a while. That is because I am having an episode (I have been diagnosed with depression for most of my life). I consistently get like this every now and then. When I get the blues, I tend to recluse for months. I stop communicating with people and just shut out the world. I am not an enjoyable person during this time and I know it. That's why I know the ones who still stick around for me during and after my "moments," they are TRULY my friends. 'Cause...I would not tolerate me if I were my friends.

I want to let all my readers know that I am fine even though I'll be out of touch. I'm just in my "alone time." Take care and much luv!!!

What is depression? NO ASSHOLE, it's not me just pouting you ignorant retard.

How I know who my true friends really are.

2009-05-17T15:35:00.000-07:00

We constantly make decisions in life. When we come to these final determinations, we often take into account all the different effects that could occur because of them. This is called being logical. On the other hand, being illogical is when decisions are impulsively made and outcomes are not thoroughly thought out. Then we end up in places where we think, "HOLY SHIT WHAT HAVE I DONE?!"

I have come to the conclusion that happiness is worth more than all the money in the world. Yes, I know how great it feels to materialistically have everything, but I also had a sister who killed herself because her path in life wasn't what she desired - her life was lived for my mother and I; she should've focused more on living for herself.

I have made a decision that will either make or break me. I have tirelessly thought about it since March and, on Friday, something happened that was the straw that broke the camel's back. I informed my closest friends of the conclusion that I came down to and, surprisingly, the ones who I wanted to say, "I support you 100%. You do what you got to do. I got your back" didn't end up saying that and the others dazzled me.

I understand that the ones who questioned my decision were concerned that I might be making a rash decision and they just don't want me to end up doing something stupid that I will regret for the rest of my life. However, I don't fucken' need that right now. Don't you get that sometimes all I need to know is when the going gets tough, I got a friend who will be there no matter what? As my friend, shouldn't you know that I'm smart enough to realize how horrible things may turn out because of my decision? So what if I'm fucken' delusional? Can a sista' get some fucken' unconditional love and support?! MOTHERFUCKER!

"Nobody puts Baby in a corner."

2009-05-16T18:01:00.000-07:00

When Dirty Dancing came out in the late 80s, I wasn't all that thrilled with the movie. The plot was so unrealistic to me; I simply thought it was stupid. However, being that my sister was a teenager during the movie release, she of course had the soundtrack and I absorbed it. I remember singing along to the songs...

"Feel her breath on my face

Her body close to me

Can't look in her eyes

She's out of my league

Just a fool to believe

I have anything she needs

She's like the wind."

I had no fucken' clue what I was singing about!

Today, I saw the musical version and WOW. OH...MY...GOD! Again, the plot didn't do it for me, but the dancing was so beautiful and the set design was ingenious. The performers deservedly received a standing ovation.

I think I might have to see this again.

Wanda Sykes @ White House Correspondents' Dinner

2009-05-10T23:09:00.000-07:00

The Zsa Zsa Zsu (Sex and the City)

2009-05-09T21:23:00.000-07:00

For the old time blog followers, you have seen my past entry about this same subject. Sorry for the redundancy. I am writing about it once more because I just saw the Season 5: Episode 74 again. Also, I saw Vicky Cristina Barcelona last night. The common theme in both the episode and the movie was how do relationships last without the zsa zsa zsu - that special something that gives you butterflies in the stomach?

I am afraid of getting married because I see marriages get stale. I am not stupid. I know that "the spark" doesn't last forever. Reality eventually sets in and then you have to decide - can you stand the other person's quarks for the rest of your life? If you can, you get married. If you can't, you cut your losses and go your separate ways.

Well, here I am, a person who has no patience for quarks. However, I think spending the rest of my life with someone is like a hot fudge sundae (heart-warming). Age has helped me grow and learn. I've come to realize that in many of my past relationships, they failed as soon as I lost the zsa zsa zsu feeling. For me, losing the zsa zsa zsu feeling equates to falling out of love. It never occurred to me that feelings are like waves - they ebb and flow. Someone said to me yesterday that people are stupid to think that that spark should always be in a relationship; that's where people make detrimental mistakes.

So, what do I do?

"Some people are settling down, some people are settling and some people refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies." ~Carrie

I refuse to settle for anything less than butterflies, but that can't last forever, right? So, how do I change my mentality about relationships? I can't program myself with computer codes to instantaneously start believing that relationships can survive by staying committed to another person, regardless if there is or isn't the zsa zsa zsu.

I am so screwed.

Heartless Bastards

2009-05-02T08:46:00.000-07:00

I have two bosses. One owns the majority share of the company. The minority shareholder is in his late 30s. The minority shareholder lost his father a week ago. His father had an unexpected heart attack in the shower.

I know that the day I lose my mother, I would not just feel devastated. Being the only immediate family member I have left, I would somewhat lose the will to live. Just thinking about it right now makes me want to cry. This entry is not about me though.

I know my mourning boss was close to his father. Losing a loved one from a terminal disease is one thing because at least you're prepared that that person will pass soon. However, when you lose someone from sudden death, you can't wrap your head around what the fuck just happened and why. You want an explanation for the ending, but you will never get a satisfactory one.

Anyway, when my mom passes, you best know I will not be at work for a minimum of a month, even if I am in jeopardy of losing my job. No one will tell me how long I can grieve. FUCK YOU. My grieving boss was gone not even a week and some people at my office were so cold-hearted and said that he needed to get his butt back to work. HOLY SHIT ARE YOU KIDDING ME?? You heartless son of a bitch. He didn't lose a dog, or a cousin, a neighbor, or a great-grandmother. HE LOST HIS FATHER. How do you say to me that his grief is not worth being away from work for one god damn week?!

I talked to my co-worker about what happened and she explained that some people are like that - they move on quickly as a way to cope and not drop everything because life goes on. =ol To all these people who feal this way as well, let me drop some knowledge on you. EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE INHUMANE IN DEALING WITH DEATH, THE REST OF THE WORLD AREN'T LIKE YOU. GET A LOT OF KINDNESS AND LET PEOPLE LAMENT THE WAY THEY WANT TO SHITHEAD.

I hope to God this is not real.

2009-04-19T18:08:00.001-07:00

Sense memory is some SHIT let me tell ya.

2009-04-18T17:09:00.000-07:00

Sometimes when you smell a certain fragrance, touch a certain texture, hear a certain song, see a certain movie or taste a certain flavor, it can powerfully bring up a moment from your past that you have not thought of in years. The associations can be good or bad, depending on what your sense memory recalls.

I saw the most entertaining musical today...

When I was listening to the singers, it brought me back to when I was a child listening to ABBA while my sister used to babysit me in our old Sanborn Avenue house. She had a little room next to the kitchen and I started remembering how I would always sneak into it when she wasn't home. I would go through all her stuff because I wanted to be like her. I thought my big sister was so cool.

Ever since my sister died, I have almost forgotten everything about her. It was too excruciating to think about all the times we had shared together and I still haven't opened up any photo albums with her pictures in them. However, watching Mamma Mia! made me realize that I might not need to. Isn't just remembering her love for me the best part of someone's remembrance?

There are many musicals that will excite me, enrage me, sadden me, etc. This specific musical though will always warm me with a love I once had.

Here's to you sis...

IF YOU HAVEN'T WATCHED THIS YET, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

2009-04-16T07:55:00.000-07:00

youd-be-suicidal-too-if-you-were-a-slug-with-arms

2009-04-14T21:25:00.000-07:00

GROSS!

2009-04-14T08:17:00.000-07:00

Sunshine Cleaning

2009-04-11T15:25:00.000-07:00

This movie really spoke to me. It pleasantly amused my morbid sense of humor.

SPOILER ALERT!

Rose's (Amy Adams) mother had committed suicide when Rose and Norah (Emily Blunt) were kids. There is one particular scene that broke me - Rose (Amy Adams) speaks her heart to her dead mother via the inoperative CB radio in her ancient van. "You've missed out," Amy says. "You've missed out on some really great stuff." Very poignant and personal scene.

WOW...strike three. Oh yes I'm locking myself in the house.

2009-04-05T15:03:00.000-07:00

If you live in L.A. (Frisco too), you will understand parallel parking. It's a bitch, but if you don't skillfully grasp the maneuver, you are shit out of like when it comes to finding parking in this town.

To add to this misery, I don't have a garage. So, when I'm coming home all drunk at 3 a.m. in the morning, you bet your ass I'm walking three blocks to my house in the dark in heels so I can pass out on my bathroom floor.

Today when I got home from grocery shopping, there was no available street parking, except for this one tiny spot behind a Toys"R"Us motorcycle (Toys"R"Us because a Vespa is more manly than this midget bike). My mom, being the blind, old Chinese woman that she is, guided me too close to the bike that I tapped it. You all know what I'm talking about when you parallel park and you just nudge the car next you, but no real damage is done. Don't fucken' lie 'cause you KNOW what I'm talking about.

The tattoo-covered Owner of the bike comes running over, "Did you just hit my bike?"

I look at him and think so this is what a sensitive man looks like.

"No I did not hit your bike. I tapped your bike."

"Well, please don't tap my bike."

I started to think where I had put the kleenex in my car.

"Okay. Do you have to park your bike in two parking spaces?"

"Last night there was another car parked here..." and then I started to feel like that Ellen Degeneres clip.

So I backed up my car because, you know, I was cramping his tire.

He walks away saying, "I'm leaving in ten minutes. Don't worry. You won't be getting a ticket for being in that little red."

HOLY JESUS, he's a midget bike rider AND cop! What are the odds??

Damn! I got TOLD on Yelp!

2009-04-05T11:58:00.001-07:00

I know... I just get bored on a Sunday morning. LOL!

Me in a Nutshell

2009-04-04T21:37:00.000-07:00

The first two minutes of this clip is how I feel when people talk to me...

2009-04-03T18:05:00.000-07:00

Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning how to dance in the rain.

~Author Unknown

He's Just Not That Into You

2009-03-28T21:41:00.000-07:00

I read the book a few years ago. When this movie came out, I told myself I wouldn't watch it because how could it be anywhere similar to the book (I loved the book). Well, I was wrong and, although it does not illustrate every tip in the book, the movie got the main point across to me - women can be drama queens, with a gene for deluding themselves. Don't waste countless hours dissecting why a relationship hit a wall. When a guy is not pursuing me, he's just not that into me.

The book was co-written by a man who tries to tell women that men will seek them out if they really like them. Otherwise, if the guy doesn't call, e-mail, text, send snail mail, etc., he's just not into you. I believe you Greg (Behrendt). A few years ago, reading this book had led me to end seeing someone who I had been dating for a year, but he "was never interested in a relationship." So, I ended it and a few months later, he ended up being in a relationship with someone else. It burned at the time, but it also made me realize that I can't wait around hoping something will happen. It will or it won't so shit or get off the pot.

Thanks for sharing Jasmin!

2009-03-25T10:47:00.000-07:00

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, "Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?" Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. You were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within you. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we're liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

~Marianne Williamson

What a Disappointment...

2009-03-21T22:35:00.001-07:00

@ The Pantages Theatre

The reason why I bought a ticket to see this musical was because I watched Grease: You’re the One That I Want. I automatically thought that Max Crumm and Laura Osnes were going to be in the Pantages Theatre performance. I was sadly let down because they were not in it. So, this was disappointment #1.

Disappointment #2 was the subpar casting. I mean, they were not of the best caliber singers. They weren't outstanding where I felt shivers down my spine. I walked away from the performance feeling like whatever.

Disappointment #3 needs to be set up. I grew up religiously watching Grease: The Movie. I would sing Sandy's parts as if I was heartbroken at 10-years-old. Well, the musical and the movie don't have the same plot lines. In the movie version, Sandy sang "Hopelessly Devoted to You" on a swing in a backyard. In the musical, Sandy sang the song in front of Rydell High. Another example, in the movie, Rizzo goes to the dance with a guy from a rival school. In the musical, Rizzo actually went to the dance with Danny Zuko!

Well, I can't win them all.

I normally don't post this kind of shit...

2009-03-20T15:40:00.000-07:00

But I gotta say, GOD DAMN! That's fucken' HOT!

I want me a muscle man like that!!! That's so sexy!

Are you one of them? Are you…a…KINDLE SNOB?

2009-03-18T19:02:00.000-07:00

Two of my friends own this new gadget where you can download almost any book onto it for a reasonable price. It’s called the Amazon Kindle and it reminds me of the days when everyone had a mobile phone while I still had my pager. HMP.

Kindle and I met about a year ago on a flight home from Atlanta. This woman popped it out and I could not stop staring at her/it. It looked like she was reading article after article on this contraption without flipping any hard pages. Holy crap, what is that?? I had to ask her and then she explained the Kindle to me. The Kindle Lover described this object as if it was Baby Jesus. She told me this thingamajig is able to download all these different types of reading material via Amazon’s WiFi network and you can even go online to do searches on it. WOW… “Ma’am, how much is this doohickey?” Then the woman gives me this guilty pleasure look and said, “It’s pricey. $300+.” .::GASP::. Is she telling me that I would have to sell my uterus to be able to afford one of these things? Christ Almighty!

I’m currently in a book club with Crasmin (name changed for anonymity). When we pick a new book, her common statement has been, “Let me know when you get the book ‘cause, you know, I can download the book in seconds now.” What she really means is, since I’m still in the archaic stage where I order my books via smoke signals and I have to wait for the Post carriage to come by and toss my book through the barn, there is no point for her to get the book so early. Hhm.

Then my other friend, Smurfy, she busted it out of her purse the other day when I had lunch with her. “Oh, how nice…I don’t care. Whatever. I like MY uterus.”

I have to cut this entry short since the library is gonna close soon. Fuck you!

Aim to please...what is wrong with me?!

2009-03-18T13:16:00.001-07:00

Per Sherry's bosses, "Sherry we are gonna need you to step up to the plate." Got it.

Per Scott, "Change your Facebook status. It's ooooollllldddddd." Okay.

Per David, " Every email says, 'Want to know what I have to say?' and I've waited a week and got bupkes. WTF? If you are going to ask, you should at least post something once in a while." Well, here I am.

I'm like a fucken' puppet.

I will write more tonight y'all WHEN I AM NOT AT WORK. For the love of God people!

Dreams...how much thought should we put in them?

2009-03-11T08:52:00.000-07:00

Last night I had the wildest dream and it was one of those dreams where when I woke up, I felt like it really happened. Anyway, it involved an ex of mine, Snob. Jasmin says that Snob was the love of my life, the one who got away. (Whatever.) The dream was about how our friendship would have been now if he wasn't a pussy and remained my friend after he got a new girlfriend. I really did love him. I'm not talking about that lust love kind either. I'm talking about the love where I would have driven the Ford Bronco if he needed me to. It's unfortunate how some friendships die. Oh well, moving on.

My friend with the prostate cancer had his surgery on Monday and everything seems to be okay. He is recovering well and he should be checking out of the hospital today.

Here's to you Deej:

Some may never live, but the crazy never die.

~Hunter S. Thompson

Learned to handle things on my own.

2009-03-05T08:47:00.000-08:00

I have a hard time letting people help me because I'm afraid of getting disappointed. Growing up, I never received that sense of security a child should get from his/her parents. My dad was an asshole and my mother was emotionally dependent on him. When my dad left (or when my mom threw him out), my mom became dependent on my older sister. Then when my sister passed away, my mother became dependent on me.

Since I was 21 (the age when my sister died), I have been made to make tough decisions on my own and take on baffling responsibilities that were way beyond my understanding, such as paying a mortgage, drafting a Living Trust, leasing a new car, paying tuition, etc. In the past, when I consciously decided to depend on someone to help me out with these complicated matters, most of the time he/she disappoints me by not following through, just totally letting me down. IF YOU DON'T REALLY WANT TO HELP, THEN DON'T FUCKEN' OFFER MOTHERFUCKER.

So, consequently, I have depended on myself. The Internet has played a big part in helping me grow. For example, I needed a plumber because my house has been stopped up. What do I do? Yelp baby, HEEEEELLLLLL YES. The plumber I found came to my house today and fixed all my problems. Hooray for me!

Unfortunately, when I expressed my plumbing issues to someone dear to me, he said he would come over to my house and take care of business. I couldn't accept his offer for fear of disappointment. "Disappointment of what?" I don't know. Disappointed if he wouldn't follow through, disappointed if he couldn't fix my leak/stoppage/toilet, disappointed if my mom might make critical/negative comments about him. Then I said to myself, "Sherry, you're being fucken' ridiculous. Let him help." Then it hit me! Ultimately, I think my struggle was with letting a "man" possibly fix my problems. .::GASP::. I have not really had a dependable man in my past that I could fully trust so I've just learned to handle everything on my own. I'm sitting here blogging and feeling good about myself because I can say, "I handled my complications all by myself." Sad, huh?

I have a few guy friends in my life who are so sweet. They look at me and say, "Damn Sherry, you deserve a man who can take care of you." I also have one guy friend who has said to me, "If I ever find out a man that you are with mistreated you, I don't know what I wouldn't be capable of doing." Awwwwww, right? I know where they are getting at with these comments - I'm a great gal who deserves a great guy, but how can I have the great guy without letting my guard down or trusting him?? I know, I can't.

Worth it!

2009-03-01T13:45:00.000-08:00

@ the Pantages Theatre

TODAY IS THE BEST DAY IN THE WORLD!!!

2009-02-24T11:30:00.001-08:00

The Facts?

2009-02-20T08:07:00.000-08:00

The media is questioning the authenticity of Rihanna's battered face photo.

I believe this photo is real b/c of her existent shoulder tattoo.

"Sherry, it's called Photoshop."

Yaaaaaaahhh, but...yah.

With all the space age technology, how can I not have ADD?!

2009-02-18T19:14:00.000-08:00

Holy my Jesus! Now that I have wireless Internet, watching t.v. and fucking around on my laptop have a symbiotic relationship. Is moving really an option?? I am baffled by the many different online avenues - MySpace, Facebook, Yelp, Yahoo Messenger, Blogs, etc. - of finding someone. All of these possibilities make me want to vomit b/c I generally don't like to be found, but at the same time I cannot resist being addicted! The thought that people I don't care about are reading about me makes me want to close all my accounts. However, I don't b/c there are the ones who I know genuinely want to keep updated on my life and they are the reasons why I stay on. AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!! All the tough decisions in life!!

My friend lost her uncle yesterday and she was very close to him. I just got off the phone with her and her pain reminds me of when I lost Marie. When the police officer informed me that my sister was gone, I wanted to die and I remember very vividly thinking, "How will I ever love again?" Unfortunately, I think losing my sister stunted my ability to whole-heartedly "love" someone, which could explain my failure to partake in long-term relationships. Anyway, I just want to say that the void feeling doesn't necessarily go away within time (as the stupid fucken' melodramas would always portray), but it will not infinitely feel like someone is taking a rusted power drill and just puncturing your heart. The pain will lessen with time. May God help you through this tragic time.

Valentine's Day - Here it is...

2009-02-17T11:07:00.000-08:00

My best friend and I went through similar experiences this past Valentine's day - we were disappointed. I won't talk about her dramz b/c she'll kick my ass, but everyone knows I'm an open book. =)

There are a lot of people who hate Valentine's day. Trust me, I GET IT. For the past six years, I've fucken' thrown rocks at people walking around with gay ass "I love you" balloons and overly expensive roses. My natural response to all the love crap swallowing me like a snake devours a hamster was an indifferent "I don't care. Whatever." However, this year things have changed b/c I kind of have someone in my life who I deeply care about. Unfortunately, just like a GUY, he wasn't interested in acknowledging the commercialized Hallmark day. (My best friend's man was actually expressing the same sentiment. Jasmin, don't worry, I didn't mention your name earlier.) Let's be a little empathetic here and see it all from my point of view - I haven't had a Valentine in six fucken' years and then when I do have a Valentine, he rains all over my fucken' parade. Wonderful. I feel great.

Now, it's not fair that I put this pressure on "him," I know. Don't get me wrong. MY PARAMOUR IS GOOD AND TREATS ME VERY SWEET. I'm just fucken' saying about the situation though... =ol MOTHERFUCKER, SON OF A BITCH, GOD DAMN, WHAT ARE THE FUCKEN' ODDS?! HMP!

The Audacity of Hope

2009-02-16T00:13:00.000-08:00

I had my book club meeting earlier tonight.

One of our discussion questions was: How is Barack's vision for politics different?

My response: Barack’s vision for politics is different because he seems to be straightforward; no hidden agendas. The nation has this general unfavorable consensus when it comes to our government – all politicians are snakes, like George W. Bush, and all of them have hidden plans to dominate. However, Barack moves away from the blame and focuses on the future. He believes in the nation’s humanity and he keeps the faith that we can persevere.

Overall, I enjoyed this book because it gave me insight on who Barack Obama is and what/who influenced him along his way of becoming President of the United States. I am convinced that he is as genuine as the words that he writes and he will make conscionable changes in our government. I find Obama to be honorable, exemplary, steadfast, veracious and simply divine.

Guilty until proven innocent.

2009-02-10T10:38:00.000-08:00

Normally, I don't really take celebrities or tabloids seriously b/c it's all bullshit.

However, I can't not say anything about this...

I really hope the allegations aren't true. How can they not be though? I hope the police photos are released!

That fucker is on top of his game and he throws it all away by beating on his girl. What is wrong with you?! It's heartbreaking because why do so many men (and sometimes women too) resort to violence? Is it really that hard to just walk away from a toxic situation? I can understand times when I have been so heated that I just want to throw a vase across the room, but to cause major contusions, REAL FUCKEN' WEAK CHRIS BROWN.

.::shaking my head in disappointment::.

In addition, the word around town is Chris Brown may not even get jail time for his "anger issues!" If that fucken' asshole gets off without appropriate punishment, it proves that our system is FUCKED UP.

Everyone needs to watch this movie ASAP!!!

2009-02-08T15:48:00.000-08:00

Be careful what you wish for.

A Special Place in My Heart

2009-01-31T17:32:00.000-08:00

@ the Pantages Theatre

We Are Marshall

2009-01-27T18:29:00.001-08:00

I have been watching this movie on serious rotation. It is sad because it is about all the Huntington people who died in the 1970 plane crash. However, it is also inspirational because it reminds me that no matter what kinds of tragedies we experience in life, you have to move forward and on.

When I lost my sister, I remember thinking how I could continue living my life when a piece of my heart was gone forever. For a long time after my sister's death, I didn't believe happiness was meant for me. I felt like one of those cartoons where a character is walking around with this sad, gloomy cloud over its head. However, and I thank God for the strength, I knew that I had to wake up everyday and just put one foot in front of the other. Here I am seven years later, I still miss Marie as much as that horrible day that I lost her, but the future doesn't look as bleak as it used to. You just got to hang in there.

From the ashes we rose.

Do you feel it?

2009-01-20T09:28:00.001-08:00

Today I pray...

2009-01-19T19:31:00.000-08:00

I don't do this often, but when I do pray, it's because I REALLY mean it. YOU are in my thoughts tonight my dear kindred spirit.

You better take care of me Lord, if you don't you're gonna have me on your hands.

~Hunter S. Thompson

HOLY MOTHERFUCKER!

2009-01-18T15:39:00.000-08:00

I have the flu...and let me tell ya, FUCKEN' BRUTAL. I don't remember the last time I just wanted to DIE. I got into bed at 4 p.m. on Friday and haven't moved since now. About an hour ago, I finally got the strength to drive my mom to Chinatown to get some grocery shopping done. I can see why people always emphasize getting yearly flu shots. That shit is no joke!

Jasmin is currently in D.C. to witness our first Black President's inauguration. She said it's fucken' crazy out there. I can imagine. I was watching the news for like the two seconds I wasn't going to DIE yesterday and these three Black women were being interviewed. One woman said something that really struck me, "I knew we would one day have a Black President, but I never thought it would happen while I was still alive." The woman looked like she was in her 40s! Are we (U.S. society) still that far behind? I guess with homosexuals not being given the right to marry, it's not surprising that many Americans are not expecting much from their country anymore.

"Friends." Hhhmmm...okay, if that's what you want, then "friends" is what it will be. I am such a non-tolerant human being.

What is wrong with me?!

2009-01-11T20:45:00.000-08:00

I am always judging people for consciously making stupid decisions in their lives. They know what they are getting themselves into aren't healthy, but they choose to hurt themselves anyway. I always ask them "why?" Well...now I know why. I am such an asshole.

I am currently involved in a situation that I don't think will have a good outcome. So, I ask myself, "Why are you doing this to yourself??" I don't have an acceptable answer. I have put myself in this emotionally compromising position before. I obviously have not learned my lesson.

I think one of the unexplainable reasons why I am moving forward with this potentially detrimental situation is I have been so cautious in life that I hinder myself from actually enjoying certain pleasures in life. Well, I am an adult damn it and I am tired of always being so careful and constantly abiding by "the rules." I want to feel bad.

What is wrong with me?!

2009 is starting out pretty fine...

2009-01-06T18:20:00.000-08:00

So, I am blogging right now via Wi-Fi. I finally figured out how to successfully install my AirPort Express. Man, all this space age technology shit can make a smart girl feel like a total fucken' retard. I did it though and I am proud of my independent self. Woop-woop! Now that I have a wireless network though, my social life will definitely come to an end. DOH!

Jasmin, my best friend, was in town for a good two weeks and it was such a delight hanging out with her. I am sure everyone has that one friend, where no matter what age you become, when you are together, you act like silly teenagers. Jasmin and I went to the snow and got our toboggan on. We hung out at her mom's pad where there was the customary Dominican/Cuban party, just like the ones we had when we were kids. Just knowing Jasmin was just a short drive away made me feel more calm. That's love right there. Unfortunately, she is back in Atlanta now and I miss her again.

Fantasy is defined as a mental image, especially when unreal or foolish. We all have fantasies, right? How does it feel though when one of those fantasies actually comes true? Well, one of my reveries took place and let me tell ya...fucken' BIZARRE!!! My life's "balance" is totally being fucked with. Don't get me wrong. It's not a bad thing. It just all feels so surreal...and refreshing. Why refreshing? Because now I can say that sometimes desires do get fulfilled. =)

I hope the rest of 2009 has me smiling as much as I am at this moment.

2009 looks good.

2008-12-31T07:42:00.000-08:00

How do I know this?

Well, someone dear to me has come back into my life.
I'm meeting new people and they are people I choose to associate with.
The friends that I had who weren't bettering my life are slowly fading away.
I have almost everything that I ever wanted and I am grateful for it all everyday.
Something's gotta fucken' give!

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!! I wish you all a fabulous 2009!

A Reason, A Season, or A Lifetime?

2008-12-21T14:18:00.000-08:00

People always come into your life for a reason, a season and a lifetime.

When you figure out which it is, you know exactly what to do.

When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed outwardly or inwardly.

They have come to assist you through a difficulty, or to provide you with guidance and support, to aid you physically, emotionally, or even spiritually.

They may seem like a godsend to you, and they are. They are there for a reason, you need them to be.

Then, without any wrong doing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.

Sometimes they die. Sometimes they just walk away. Sometimes they act up or out and force you to take a stand.

What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled; their work is done. The prayer you sent up has been answered and it is now time to move on.

When people come into your life for a SEASON, it is because your turn has come to share, grow, or learn.

They may bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done.

They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy. Believe it! It is real! But, only for a season. And like Spring turns to Summer and Summer to Fall, the season eventually ends.

LIFETIME relationships teach you a lifetime of lessons; those things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation.

Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person/people (anyway) and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas in your life. It is said that love is blind, but friendship is clairvoyant. Thank you for being part of my life.....

~Brian A. "Drew" Chalker

I'm constantly nauseous...but I know I'm not pregnant!

2008-12-11T18:00:00.000-08:00

So, I've been blowing chunks...ugh...mental note: do not eat week old cheese. BLARGH!

My mangy dog bit me hard this morning. There was blood everywhere. I could see how someone would want to beat a dog... I could have killed him! I didn't though so PLEASE STAY AWAY PETA FOLLOWERS.

It is such an interesting time in my life right now. I haven't done shit in a long time and I've been the most content. It's great being alone because all the "outside noise" (toxic people) aren't invading my thoughts and decisions. I feel like I'm living life more clearly and productively these days. I determine how I'd like to spend my time and if I don't want to do something, I won't.

I was thinking about love the other day. I have realized that the times I have been in love, I eventually fell out of it. On the other hand, the relationships that I wanted love from, but never got, I yearned more for. With this in mind, I'm starting to think that even if Mr. Right came into my life tomorrow and gave me everything I ever wanted (not just the material things), I don't think I could handle that kind of love. I'm talking about "real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love" (Sex and the City). That kind of intensity makes me want to flee...flee from being caged. I enjoy my independence, making my own decisions, going and coming as I please.

So, what does this all mean? I know I am lonely, but commitment sounds like a prison sentence. Am I destined to be in a somewhat melancholy state all my life??

First day of the last month of 2008...CRAZY.

2008-12-01T20:48:00.001-08:00

I know I have been late with my entry. Come on, give me a break…it was Thanksgiving weekend. Who can focus after such yummy food? Mmmmmm…crab legs…that’s Thanksgiving Chinese-style. Heh, heh.

So, my best friend and I are single and, as all the single ladies out there know, you can be damn sure that dating has come to an all time low. There are no gentlemen, there are no manners, and there is no par. Dating is as enjoyable as going on job interviews. It is all a numbers game and when I think I have picked a lucky number, all it turns out to be is crap, crap, CRAP.

I have not been dating, but my best friend has. WOW…the men that have come into her life… One guy takes her to the Cheesecake Factory for dinner and when the bill came, he was shocked and started analyzing his future payment plan for this one meal. Another guy she is dating has some baggage – his mom was a prostitute who got shot dead, his brother was killed last year and he started raising his other brother while he was a teenager. Then another prospect grew up in Serbia and fought in the civil war, killing people who were his friends because of a difference in religious beliefs. It doesn’t get any better…

People always say to us – my best friend and I – that we are intelligent, gorgeous and charming women. Why aren’t we snatched up? IF WE KNEW THE FUCKEN’ ANSWER, I DON’T THINK WE’D STILL BE SINGLE. We need concrete answers damn it!

"A New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle

2008-11-23T16:55:00.000-08:00

WOW...this is an "Oprah's Book Club" selection and she made a great choice! I thoroughly enjoyed this book because it validates how I live my life.

Everyone says the 20s suck. It's a decade where you are so confused on who you really are and trying to "find yourself" is as hard as getting a ship into a bottle. You ask people for advice on what maturity really is, but no one has answers. "Growing up" is like this ominous thing out there in the universe, like Osama Bin Laden and the Devil. However, Tolle writes this book to simply say, "Hey, stupid, keep it simple. It's all really not that serious."

Here are some excerpts from the book that made me stop and say to myself, "Holy shit..."

You are making Life into an enemy and Life says, "War is what you want, and war is what you get."

Even if blame seems more than justified, as long as you blame others, you keep feeding the pain-body with your thoughts and remain trapped in your ego. There is only one perpetrator of evil on the planet: human unconsciousness. That realization is true forgiveness. With forgiveness, your victim identity dissolves, and your true power emerges -- the power of Presence. Instead of blaming the darkness, you bring in the light.

What we are speaking of is the elimination of psychological time, which is the egoic mind's endless preoccupation with past and future and its unwillingness to be one with life by living in alignment with the inevitable "isness" of the present moment.

...you cannot "become" successful. You can only "be" successful. Don't let a mad world tell you that success is anything other than a successful present moment.

Thinking of Marie...

2008-11-16T11:27:00.000-08:00

The only thing sadder than them not being here is knowing that by not being here, you're not doing what you love. They want you to be happy. 'Cause every time you smile, or laugh, or enjoy your life, it makes their dreams come true. ~Raising Helen

What's the difference btwn Veterans Day & Memorial Day??

2008-11-11T10:03:00.000-08:00

My baby boy sleeps in my mom's house b/c he cannot calm the fuck down when he's in my studio. This morning I woke up to this faint scratching on my door. My mom said Kobe was trying to get into my space the whole time he was in the backyard. Aawwww! So, I let him in and he crawled into my bed and the result is what you see on the left...yes I am a sucker!!! I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!!!

Today I have a day off. I plan to take Kobe to the dog park. My mom's coming with us too. I have to say that the best thing about having Kobe is how he has strengthened my relationship with my mom. My mom and I generally don't get along; we're so different. However, Kobe gives us someone to focus on and love together. My mom adores him and I do too! He has been an absolute pleasure!!

XOXO

I BELIEVE.

2008-11-05T09:12:00.000-08:00

Sex and the City: The Movie SPOILERS!!

2008-11-02T20:03:00.000-08:00

So, I’ve been home most of the weekend with Sex and the City: The Movie on SERIOUS rotation. When I first saw this movie, I balled my fucken’ eyes out. I hate to say it because talk about a typical chick flick. (Don’t judge me motherfucker!) However, the movie spoke to me because there are so many scenes in it that bring back umpteen raw emotions from my life.

For example, when the girls hit up Mexico, the scene where Carrie just curls up in bed and sleeps for days because her heart is so broken…I remember that exact feeling of losing someone you loved so much. It’s the feeling of not being able to function and your days are measured solely by the sunrises and sunsets. In that moment, you just can’t imagine ever being happy again. Fortunately, I am here right now and I can say I have laughed, smiled and been somewhat happy since those heartbreaking times in my life. Time does heal the wounds.

Another scene that touched me was when Mr. Big left Carrie at the altar. I understood that his cold feet were never about him not loving Carrie enough. It was about the pressure of the wedding and society’s idea of marriage. It overwhelmingly reminded me of my fear of commitment. My fear isn’t with “being with someone,” it’s with being with someone “FOREVER.” Holy shit! How does “love” last for fifty years? The longest I’ve gone in loving someone was a year and a half. Then I whole-heartedly lost the amorous feelings and it flipped to “I love you like I love my best friend.” I couldn’t get those “I want your hands all over my body” feelings back, even though I desperately wanted to love that person again as I did before. BLARGH.

"But Sherry, he's a boy dog!"

2008-10-27T08:14:00.000-07:00

So, this was the first weekend with Kobe. What a brat! He must have been SPOILED b/c he walked around with his wet nose up in the air, expecting me to cater to him. Every chance he could, he would jump in my lap and squat. Too bad for Kobe, I have a little mean streak. Muahahahahaha.

This morning he slipped out of his collar and started running around like a newly-released mental patient. The scene was too comedy-perfect. My 68-year-old mother and I (in heels) were running up and down the street trying to capture the crazy mutt. When I caught him though...woof-woof got a mean spanking!

I'm starting to think this Cesar Millan is a cracker. How can a dog learn without roughing him up?? Sometimes a dog (just like a kid) needs to learn to "act right." HMP.

I decided it was time for me to adopt.

2008-10-23T08:00:00.000-07:00

His name is Kobe (after the beef, NOT the basketball player).

He is the new love of my life.

My boss is not gonna die! YAAAAY!!!

2008-10-22T08:51:00.000-07:00

Friday on the way to work, my boss, Nick, started coughing up a lot of blood to the point where he thought he was drowning. For five days, the doctors at the UCLA Medical Center did constant testing, including multiple blood samples, lung scope, stomach scope, and a biopsy. No one could figure out what was wrong with my boss. Of course, you start to think the worst and everyone around him just prayed he did not have cancer.

In the end, the doctors concluded that he contracted Aspergillus Fumigatus. Unfortunately for Nick, not only did he contract a spore in his lung, which led to an infection in his lung, but his body also had an allergic reaction to it too. These two things led to a large vein or small artery rupturing in his right lung, which scared the crap out of everyone. He had no elevated white blood count, fever or any other symptoms other than internal bleeding. Currently Nick is taking a suitcase of antibiotics to treat what he has and the treatment has to be followed up in a month, but he has to be monitored through the rest of the year.

Aspergillosis is an infection that mostly affects your lungs or sinuses. However, any organ or system in your body can be involved. It is caused by inhaling the spores of a fungus called Aspergillus Fumigatus. It is a common fungus that grows on soil, plant debris and rotting vegetation in the autumn and winter. Occasionally, the fungus is found inside buildings, especially in air conditioning systems and hospitals.

Most people are either naturally immune to the spores of Aspergillus Fumigatus, or have a sufficiently healthy immune system to fight the infection. However, if you have an allergic reaction to the spores and or have lung problems or a weak immune system you are particularly susceptible. Both adults and children can be affected.

There are 3 types of aspergillus infection. Nick specifically contracted:
Allergic bronchopulmonary aspergillosis (ABPA), also known as pulmonary aspergillosis, is the most common fungal respiratory disorder in Britain. It occurs when the aspergillus fungi colonise the bronchi (the two branches that the windpipe divides into as it enters your lungs). The fungal spores trigger an asthma-like allergic reaction, reducing the efficiency of the air passages of lungs (bronchioles). It causes coughing, wheezing and shortness of breath. You are most at risk from ABPA if you are aged 20-40 and have asthma.

My boss is asthmatic.

I believe that everything happens for a reason. Nick is the hardest working person I know. He's the type of person that puts more on his plate than he should and wants to save each and every person he can. He is always two steps ahead of himself. Funny how God bitchslapped him in the face and yelled, "SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!"

Today turned out to be a bad one.

2008-10-18T21:37:00.000-07:00

My uncle (my mom’s older brother) just passed away. It currently is Sunday afternoon in Hong Kong and he apparently died in the morning. I am thankful I had the chance to meet him during my last trip to the East.

My mother is one of four children – there is her sister (the oldest child), there is her older brother, she and then her kid sister. My mother would tell me stories about how my uncle always thought my mother was the smartest girl in the family and, therefore, took her everywhere with him. My uncle was responsible for smuggling my mother out of Mainland China and into Hong Kong to have a more prosperous life. My mother tells me that my uncle would always get into trouble and after would tell my mom what he did as if she were a priest he was confessing to.

My uncle was also a mobster and I see that now that my mother told me. When I met him, I got the impression that he was stoic and salty, a man who has had to hustle his way through life to get what he wants. Not surprisingly, my mother always felt protected by him; that he always had her best interest at heart.

What tripped me out the most about all this is that my mother stated she knew something wasn’t right today. It probably is just a coincidence, but I am somewhat superstitious. My mother says her eyebrow was annoyingly twitching all day. I am sure the general population can scientifically define what was going on with her spasms, but I’d like to believe, as my mother does too, that her twitches alarmed her gut feeling that something terrible was going to happen today…'cause it did.

Thank you God for giving me the opportunity to fondly remember my uncle for the rest of my life.

It's working! I'm writing!

2008-10-18T13:55:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was an interesting and unnerving day. My boss was rushed to the emergency room in the morning. He was coughing up blood. He spent the night in the hospital just to get a whole bunch of tests done because the doctors can’t figure out what is wrong with him. Automatically I think it could possibly be cancer, but I can’t imagine that could be it since he eats healthy and works out daily. He is the most robust person I know that I would be in utter, incomprehensible shock if he does end up having cancer. It’s insane how a life can change in a matter of seconds/minutes/days/weeks. I hope my boss comes out with a minor diagnonsense.

Jasmin and I have been discussing how beyond our grasps it is that men have serious problems with “communicating” in this day and age where everyone is just a text away. Honestly, how hard is it for a guy to type “H” + “I” + “SEND?” Is that what rocket science is? I’m not fucken’ asking for a smoke signal or an airgram or a message via horse carrier. I’m asking for a guy to care enough to just say, “Hi,” “Thinking about you babe,” “Smile for me today.” It’s like I’m asking for a testicle or something. GET IT FUCKEN’ TOGETHER AND STOP BEING FUCKING LAZY.

“Sherry, you are so brutal.” Whoa…do we read the same dictionary? “Brutal” to me is when two of your kids are gonna lose their lives and you have the only option of saving one – which one will it be? “Brutal” is when there is a lizard chilling on your curtain and you have to decide, should I get the Raid or should I get the guy next door? “Brutal” is NOT “H” + “I” + “SEND.” Don’t get it twisted.

Today was better...

2008-10-15T20:42:00.000-07:00

Today was not a bad day. Nothing heavy fell on my head. Whew! It started out with this gorgeous scene at 6:45 a.m. this morning (refer to image). That is the moon (white speck next to the palm tree) and it is obvious that the picture does not do it justice. It was super BRIGHT and just shining out of the sky. BEAU-TI-FUL!

Like I said, nothing squashed me like a bug today so I don't have any exciting news for you. Just wanted to share my morning with y'all.

My first entry and it's not good. Crap.

2008-10-14T18:02:00.000-07:00

I created a new blog to startup my writing. I have been complaining all year that I miss writing, but I have not attempted to sit my ass down and just do it. I want to use this blog as a promise to myself that I will write consistently on a weekly basis. Let's see how long this lasts...

Today was a fucken' awful day! This whole "our economy is going down" has finally affected me directly. I had a deal that was worth $228k and it fell through. FUCK! This was money that my company and I needed. I'm totally bummed and I just want to crawl into my bed, hide under my covers and hope my house doesn't fall on me (from the bad luck). DAMN IT!

People need to watch Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist! It is such a nostalgic movie. It reminded me of my college days where you run around like a headless chicken all night long and then you realize it's 4 a.m. You're exhausted and you want to go home, but you don't want to lose "the moment" with your crush. So, you stay awake, shoot the shit some more and finally decide to go home at 9 a.m. GOOD TIMES.